The Art of Friendships

Everyone has something they're good at. This is an unproven fact, and I believe it will forever be true. Some people are good at taking pictures. Some people are good public speakers, artists, musicians, singers, parents, friends, sports players. The list is endless, which is the primary reason that everyone is good at something; because the list of 'somethings' never ends.

I'm not sure what I'm good at, yet. I'd like to say I'm good at writing or photography or singing or playing guitar. Something simple. I might be okay at some of those things, but not really good at them, you know? I'd like to say I'm a good friend, but who are we kidding?

Think about it, when was the last time we hung out? Okay, now think of the time before that. Long time, right? Point is, I go weeks without really hanging out with my friends. I've been told that I'm always there for them, which is great, but....it's only when I'm needed.

This is weird, but I feel like a library. If someone needs something, then they come to me. I'm always here, but no one ever visits unless they're in need of something Don't get me wrong, I love that I can be here for my friends. Wouldn't trade it for the world). Yes, there are some exceptions. There will always be exceptions, though.

I don't blame my friends. I blame myself. People complain about how they don't have any friends. Well, here's my theory: "If you don't have friends, it just means that friends don't have you." Complaining never got anyone anywhere. You want friends? Then be a friend. Because, chances are, friends want you.

Friendship isn't a one-way street. It never has been, and it can never be. I wish I knew how to put it simpler.

Back to my little dilemma. My life goes on, I still have most of my friends. My relationships are weak, but they're there. My problem, you ask? My problem is me. I'm getting in the way of everything, and it's annoying. Motivation isn't my problem, either; and it usually is, so that's saying something.

I know what to do in order to fix my problem, I have the motivation; everything is pretty much set for me to help myself out of the ditch I've been in. When someone offers their hand, do you grab it and accept their help? Because that's the opposite of what I've been doing. I've been put in positions where all I had to do was accept. Literally, nothing was standing in my way of my friends; and I declined.

I want to say that there's an unknown variable, but if that were true, I would know what it is, right? Unless I didn't want myself to know. But then I'm just pointing the finger at something else when I should take the blame for everything. It's no one's fault but mine.

I'm sleepy.

The Secret Christmas

Wanna know a secret?

Too bad. Anything posted to a blog can't really be considered a secret anymore, right? But I do have a not-so-secret secret. I, Kyle Clark, am afraid of the dark. No, scratch that. I'm terrified. Why?

I don't know. Why are you scared of spiders? Why is a dog afraid of loud sounds? Okay, those were two extremely bad examples. Probably the worse I could have come up with, actually. Point is, why is anyone afraid of anything? ...Pain. That is my simplest answer, and I'm sticking to it.

Think about it, people aren't really afraid to die. They're afraid of it hurting. Dogs are afraid of loud sounds because they fear that someone (or themselves) might get hurt from the threatening sound. People fear spiders because of the venom. That, and spiders are just gross. Like....who really wants that crawling on them? Ew.

I am afraid of the dark. What is dark, exactly?

Darkness is the absence of light, just like cold is the absence of hot. Sin is the absence of righteousness.

I am afraid of the absence of light.

I've mentioned many times about how I rely on my vibes. I sense auras pretty well, and I trust them because, so far, they haven't lied. You can act all good and everything, but your aura won't lie. All this to say, without light, vibes are confusing. I sense a vibe when no one is there. How is that possible? ...It's my own vibe, that's how. I sense someone or something behind me, in front of me, or next to me. I sense myself, but unwittingly.

I may or may not be making sense. Lets just say that, without auras, my mind can't really process properly. With so many confusing, unexplained sensations, my mind can't put all the pieces together immediately. It's really hard to explain.

If you can't understand something, how can you even start to explain it? Answer this, and you have unlimited access to knowledge. Think about it. If you can explain something that you don't understand, then you can learn without any research. You'd learn as soon as you explained it. You could explain anything and, ultimately, know everything. Weird.

You know the problem with Christmas? I do. The problem is that it's not about you. The problem is that it's not about me. The problem is that it's not about happiness.

Correction: That's the opposite of the problem. the problem is that we make it about everything except Jesus. I know, I know, every Christmas message is like this. ...Are you sure? Because every Christmas message I've ever heard still ends the same. It's about Jesus' birth and the life He went on to live, and later die (and resurrect, of course). Right? I mean, we've heard that a million times. Every year, that's what every Christian is reminded of.

But what happens when you get sad during this season? What happens when something bad happens? Wanna know what happens? ...Suddenly, everything becomes about you. And then you're just back where you started. It's easy to get down during Christmas. I'm guilty, I'd admit that. Why is it so easy during the holidays? Because the holidays are supposed to be special. Bad things shouldn't happen during the holidays, right? It's not fair. I know, I know. You see every other happy person. You look around to the fake snow, seeing hands being held, warm clothes, and close families. You see love written over everything, everywhere you go. And when you're not apart of all the happiness, jealousy overcomes you. You wish you had a hand to hold, a perfect family around a perfect table and the perfect Christmas weather to calm the mood.

Nope. First of all, I'm pretty sure it didn't snow the day Jesus was born. Secondly, stop being jealous. Christmas is by no means perfect. Quite the opposite, actually. It's a Christian holiday that's being USED by consumerism. That's all it is. Think about it. What's the biggest season of the year for stores? Christmas. Why? Because people have to buy all these gifts for their loved ones. When Wal*Mart hears the word Christmas, they only envision all the piles of money. They don't care how much of a sucky gift you're gonna get just to save a few dollars. They know just how expensive people will get.

Christmas shouldn't be a national holiday. Because it's not 4th of July. No, it's a Christian holiday. A time of thanksgiving. A time of celebration that Jesus was successfully raised by His chosen parents.

Everyday, people go out of their way to disown God. Those same people have family gatherings during Christmas. Why? Good question, right?

Hope no one took offense to that. I'm not saying I hate Christmas. I'm just seeing it in a realist perspective. Every year, Christmas is used to make a few extra million dollars. But it's not even a holiday for everyone. If you don't believe Jesus was born and lived for our salvation, then you shouldn't bother celebrating. I don't celebrate Hanukkah. I don't celebrate Muhammad's birthday. So why do people celebrate Jesus' birthday?

Seniors' Opinion of Things That Don't Better

It's not that I'm old, really. It's just that sometimes I have "senior moments." I feel like I repeat the same story over and over. I will often times be in a conversation and in the middle of saying something, I will completely forget what I was even talking about.

Sometimes I wonder if it's weird to have senior moments. And other times, I really just don't care.

It's weird how people like to tell themselves how much better things will be when ______ happens. I remember how I told myself everything would be so much better when I got a job, and a license, and a car, etc. I have a license and a job now, and not a whole lot has changed, in all reality. And what has changed probably isn't necessarily "better." I have money, sure. But I'm still broke because I'm putting almost every dollar into my savings account. I have my license, but I never really get to enjoy the freedom because I'm working.

I have money, and lots of it. But I don't have the time that I used to. And a declaration of which is better (time or money), is a matter of opinion.

Most of the content on this blog is a matter of opinion, actually. Did anyone notice that? That's why I'm surprised that anyone reads it! And yes, I can tell how many people read it. So can you.

Anyways, it amazes me how many people check up on a page with almost pure opinion. Not just any opinion, though. It's MY opinion. I didn't think anyone cared about my opinion! Hahahaha

I wish I had better topics. And that will not get better after I get a car.

Yellow Cashiers Have a Priority: Smile

"Learn to manage your priorities."

I don't know if it's coincidence, but I've really had to do that this week. More than usual, I mean. On Sunday at youth group, we talked about how we need to manage our priorities; and if we can get those straightened out, life will be a lot less stressful.

This week has been stressful. Let's just put it that way. Tuesday night was the Fall Banquet, and I had to go to work. I was calling people for hours to try and get my shift covered. But no luck. I don't blame anyone besides myself for that. I should have remembered to ask the night off two weeks ago. And then next Thursday is the TIP meeting. Guess what, I work that night! Fabulous.

I really just need to sit down and get everything straightened out. Because yes, I am a very clean person. If my room isn't clean, then I can't focus. But I'm not organized by any means. I need to print out a calendar. I need to have a daily list of things that MUST get done before sitting down at this stupid laptop and posting on this blog or Facebook or watching TV. I manage my money pretty well (Very well, actually), but I can't seem to manage my time or my priorities. Am I stressed? Not exactly, no. I'm not stressed until things really start to come down and bite me for procrastinating when I shouldn't have been watching TV.

Let's face it, time gets the best of me almost every day.

I saw a yellow man today. I thought I was going to throw up, but I didn't. Good thing, too, because that would have been nasty. When you think of a yellow man, don't think of someone who's just kind of on the yellow side, but not really that yellow. Imagine taking a picture in black and white. Okay, now put this picture on the computer to edit it. Put in a yellow filter. Now look at the picture. It's a yellow man. Literally yellow.

His liver was failing. I have no doubt about that. He was an alcoholic, and if he doesn't do anything about it soon, he will die. No questions asked. It's too bad, too. He looked like a pretty nice guy, if you can get passed the yellow skin, eyes and fingernails.

It's amazing the things that you notice about people at a fast food restaurant. When people take their orders, I quietly listen to the commentary in my head. It never judges, really. But my commentary is interesting, nonetheless. You can tell the difference between those that are struggling financially and those that are making more than they know what to do with. Call it judging if you'd like. But I call it observation. You can also tell who's paranoid, who's not doing okay emotionally (but act as though they're on top of the world), who's checking you out and who's secretly pissed at the world for something the world did not do.

So, next time you go to a restaurant of any kind, just be aware that the cashier/order-taker is probably analyzing you. Even if they don't know it yet, they're noticing a lot about you. Putting thought into how you look, how you talk, and how much you really care about people.

Thursdays are Big Mac days at McDonald's. We ran out of Mac Sauce today. Crazy, right? That has never happened.

Sorry, that was random. Then again, so is everything else in this blog.

"Careful, you might actually smile!"

Something about kids. I dunno. Did you ever notice what they do when they don't have their way with something? If they can't have that chocolate bar, they don't want anything. As if that's a bad thing. Kids try to get their way by punishing themselves, thinking their parents would feel bad. It's in interesting tactic, really. And it works for many kids, depending on who their parent is. I don't understand why a parent would ever give into that, though. A no is a no, and you ought to keep it that way. If you change your answer; if you're not consistent, then who's to say you won't always do that? Who's to say you won't always give in to guilt.

I remember being a kid. I'm not stupid, I know how the game works. If I didn't get my way, I would be a very sad kid. "Depressed." Correction, I would act "depressed" so that my parents would feel bad.

I'm glad my parents are smart, though. They were consistent with their answers. They would always find another way to cheer me up (without giving me what I wanted). They would make me laugh, or just smile. Of course, when I smiled, it showed weakness, so I always got mad at them for that. But deep down, I knew I wasn't mad at them. They made me smile, and it felt good to smile, despite what I didn't get from them. "Careful, you might actually smile!"

=) Don't worry, Mom. Smile rhymes with Kyle. And I've always found that a perfect reason to smile.

Giving yourself a reason to smile, no matter what it is, will always keep your mind open to smiling. Don't be stubborn. If someone makes you happy, then be happy! Don't be consistent with sadness. That's punishing yourself, in which case no one wins. If you're not open to happiness, how are you ever supposed to win? That, my dear friends, is a million-dollar question. =)

The Mentality of a Poem

I don’t know how you feel,
Or if I’m really ideal;
But I do know what you are,

Hey, you’re my superstar.

I might tell you one day,
Even if it seems cliché;
But I’ll tell you what you mean,

Hey, you’re my morning caffeine.

I know there’s another guy,
But this isn't a goodbye;
No, I’ll be waiting around,

Hey, we’ll always have common ground.

As long as you don’t forget,
I will never have to regret;
As long as you never run,

Hey, you’re not just a pun.
----------------------------------------------------

I was going to post about witchcraft yesterday, and perhaps one day I still will. But it's hard to do when I get so distracted. School papers are really hard for me to write because, when I get distracted, I can't continue my thought. Which is why I don't write outlines. I don't write rough drafts. I don't do any of that stuff that "skilled" people do. Crazy? No. If I wrote a rough draft, I wouldn't even look at it while writing the final draft. My thoughts have to flow into my fingers which press the silly little clicking buttons that tell the computer what to say.
It's just how my mind works, really. I'm unorganized. I'm a clean freak. And I'm somewhat a perfectionist. On some things. It might be all guys that do this, but I kinda doubt it. I probably have some mental disorder or something. I mean, think about it. I love chick flicks, I love kid movies, I love clothes (though I might not show it much), I hate video games, I love writing, I judge depending on certain vibes.
That last one is weird on its own! Who else judges on a vibe? Not only judges on it, but who actually trusts their vibes enough to pick their friends? I do. If I have a good vibe about someone, I will practically seek them out! Sort of. But we've talked about my vibes, so we don't have to waste another post on that! Heh

This post was specifically made for the poem that I wrote. I realized just how long it's been since I wrote a poem. It's been even longer since I posted one! I very rarely post my poems. Why? Because I think they all suck. This one does, too..but it makes me smile. =)
If you don't know what it means, I guess you could ask about it. But I think it's a pretty self-explanatory poem. Is it about a specific person? Perhaps. But I applied it to a lot of things in my life, so it's not really talking to anyone like it appears.
That's what I love about poetry (or any form of writing, really). You're able to control the difference between the meaning of something and the actual poem (or what ever form of literature).

Comments are always appreciated. =)

3rd Vibe's a Charm!

Sometimes people really need to get things off their chests. Sometimes I feel like that's what I'm using this blog for. ...And other times, I realize how silly that sounds. =)

I just like to post about random stuff going on. If I ever need to get something off my chest, I wouldn't be posting it here, I don't think. Or perhaps I would. Would I? Have I? ...Probably.

I should put more pictures on this blog, huh? I've visited a lot of other blogs, and there are so many amazing ones out there! Wanna know what they all had in common? Two things, actually. Firstly, they all had pictures! It really spiced things up. I thought it really kept the interest of the followers a lot better than I've ever been able to do. Oh, and the second thing...they were all girls. =/

Hey, guys can have blogs, too, okay? Sometimes it just takes a little longer for us to bring out our imaginative ways. I think I'm creative. Right? ...Anybody? Hmm.

So, here's the deal, okay? I feel like I don't give people a chance enough. Crazy as that sounds to you, I think it's true. Most, if not all, of my relationships are started from vibes. If you don't have the right vibe, you can forget even talking to me. I think this is yet another thing feminine about me. Girls have an amazing way of telling when something is wrong. I'm not saying that I have that, too. But I can definitely pick up bad vibes. The worst part is...my vibes have never led me astray. If someone is giving off a bad vibe, then my my body cringes up, and it's never been wrong to do so. My mind rejects thinking about that person in a positive way; it discloses a view on a person and doesn't change until that vibe goes away. Which is...never, usually.

Does this mean that I'm quick to judge people? I mean, think about it. I don't even know most of the people (at all) before I already have my mind made up about them. They're either friend or foe.

The Bible says not to judge people. But is this really considered judging them? I'm simply listening to the device that God has installed in me, right? It's never failed me before. Here's the interesting thing. I meet someone; they give a bad vibe; I do my best not to talk to them. Later on, I find out all the terrible stuff they're into and how they treat people. It's really hard for me not to say, "I told you so!" But this happens every time.

I watched Toy Story 3 last night for the very first time. Was it depressing? Extremely. Was it an amazing movie? Most definitely.

There's something about kids movies that I can't get over. I love them so much. It's not that it makes me feel young, but it does make me feel better than other movies. Most movies get me really depressed (like a lot of other things on this planet). But kid movies don't do that as much. They make me smile more than anything. I'd like to think that I never really grew up from my kid-self. Matured, yes. But there's still a little kid in here. =)

If you haven't seen Toy Story 3, come over and watch it with me, okay?

Finding the Bloody Source

So, I just got done with a half-hour nose bleed. And by nose bleed, I don't mean one of those sissy things that blood drops out of the nose. No, my nose was quite literally pouring blood out into the sink. What do I do? Naturally, get a piece of toilet paper (I didn't have Kleenex's anywhere nearby) and cover my nose, of course. We use really thick toilet paper and I had a pretty big clumped up ball of it in my hand. Guess how long each thing of toilet paper lasted. About 3 seconds. So, I got an extra thick piece (about 6 squares). The blood never found it's way through that piece. Instead, it found its way down my throat. Can you say gross?? Yeah, exactly.

As soon as I let the toilet paper go, blood practically squirted out, as if it was under pressure while in my nose. Like a soda bottle letting out air when you first open it. Nasty.

Wondering just how long I have until my body will fall asleep from lack of blood, I stood there. Blood flowing, sink turned on high (trying to wash all the blood away. And failing.). One thought came to mind. Blow.

So, I did. I blew as hard as I could, as much as I could. So much blood was coming out when I did that, and I felt light headed. It didn't seem to help, either. So, I stood there thinking again. What have I done in the past to stop nose bleeds? I usually blew. And that always came out with an extremely thick string of blood. Almost like a blood vain, actually.

As I watched all my blood exit my nose and enter the drain, I thought long and hard. As soon as the "blood vain" is out, everything will stop, right? But how do I get the vain out?

Then something caught my attention; the blood in the sink. Something was keeping it from going down the drain. I stared at it for about ten seconds. Then I looked up at the mirror and noticed that the blood was coming out the tip. Find the source, I told myself.

I got a piece of toilet paper and wiped the tip of my nose. It was really slimy and gross. Like a blood vain. So, using the paper, I pinched the red liquid and pulled.

I know. It's a gross story. But a true one. And it happened about a half hour ago. Started at about 8:30pm. So, yes. Blood was constantly escaping my body for a half hour. And yes, I am pretty light headed.

I need rest.

Intersecting My Deadly Income

I should be writing six memoirs right now. But guess what? I'm listening to music, drinking Mountain Dew, and I'm totally relaxed. Just like old times; the good old times. =)

On my computer, I have sort of a graph of how much I work, earn, and will make in the upcoming check. It's weird, I know, but how am I supposed to do it? It almost seems idealistic to me.

Four years ago, I began to think about getting a job and saving up for a brand new car (and brand new was 2006 at the time). The car I really wanted was about $30,000, and I found out exactly how much I would need to earn every month. Needless to say, I was only 13 and had no idea what money really was. The legal age to get a job was (and I believe it still is) 14 years. Which meant I had a matter of months to get that job to start saving up. Wanna hear something funny? McDonald's was the first place that came to my mind back then. "I would get a job at McDonald's just until I can find another job that doesn't suck so much." Almost those exact words came out of my mouth.

Here's the best part. If I had actually gotten a job when I had planned to, I would have $30,000 right now. Well, approximately. Do you realize what that means?? ...It means my plans were correct! All my calculations, timing, and even place of work! How can this be? Can a thirteen-year-old really make such an accurate plan?? Better believe he can.

Unfortunately, I didn't think about how hard it would be to get a job at the age of 14. But, then again, how would I have known such a thing? 14 is the legal age, why would it need to be so difficult? I can't remember exactly when the economy started crashing to the ground, but I do think it was after 2006. Anyways, I just think it's fascinating that my plans could be so accurate at such a young age. Everyone told me I was in over my head. And yes, I am in over my head. But it's people that are in over their heads that actually succeed, right? I re-did my calculations just about every night over and over again. It kept me up past 1am most nights for years. Was it obsessive and unhealthy? You bet! But I believe that all these facts will only lead to one thing for me. Financial freedom. I don't like spending money unless it's something I've saved up for. When PSP's first came out, I saved up enough to get one (They were $250 at the time, I think). When I got interested in writing, I saved up with Kurtis to get a laptop ($650 or $700). I was 12 or 13 when I saved up for a PSP. I was 14 or 15 when I saved up for the laptop. Both times without any source of income. Which means that, even without a source of income, I am still naturally amazing at saving my money.

Last night, after work, I drove to a lock-in just outside of Lebanon. I wasn't sure exactly of the location, so I went passed the Hospital on HWY 20 and kept driving until I hit Tennessee Rd. Knowing it was too far, I called Kurtis and got better directions. So, I turn around and go to the stop sign. This might be kind of hard to explain without my hands (I use my hands a lot when I talk..). Anyways, across me was Spicer Dr., and the road intersecting us was HWY 20. There was a person coming toward me on Spicer Dr. and a car coming from my right on HWY 20. The people on HWY 20 don't have a stop sign. However, the person on Spicer Dr. do. It was very ((very)) dark and very foggy last night. When I noticed that the people on Spicer Dr. weren't slowing down, my throat sank to my stomach. I did the math in my head (obviously not specific calculations, but...still), and at the rate that each car was going (55 MPH to 65 MPH), the person on HWY 20 would get T-Boned and pushed right into me. This action would almost definitely kill both of those people and probably me, too.

Motivation Not Included

Yes, school has started. Yes, I suck at posting now. No, I haven't forgotten you. Yet. =)

I don't even know where to begin, really. Work has been good, for the most part. I was getting 30 hours for a while, and now I'm getting around 20. Neither of which are bad at all. School has been getting harder, which kinda sucks. My grades are dropping, but not at such a rate that will get me in tutorial (a new type of detention/study hall).

I wish I had the time to post, the motivation, the never-ending topic. But no. Instead, I'm just a normal kid that just so happened to get a job and never again had time to post a blog anymore. I think about posting quite often. But by the time I'm off work, done with homework, done with chores, and done driving around town, I'm not exactly up for posting about my day, you know? It's like...once I finally get some ME time, I just want to sleep and relax. Does anyone remember the days when I had almost (almost) no responsibility. Mmm....no, that's not the right word. I never...had anywhere to be. Homework was just about the most work I had in a week. Other than that, I really didn't have too much to worry about. I had time to kill, that's for sure. I envy those days, really.

Some of you may know (and I might be repeating myself. Not sure.), but I'm saving up $3,600 for a car. My parents are pitching in $400. Which means I'll be able to buy a car worth $4,000. All that to say, once my car is purchased and I'm no longer saving up for something so big, I might ask a lot more time off. If you know me at all, you'd know that I need some..."Me Time." Kyle Clark isn't some superhero with the ability to withstand days of work and school without much breaks. No, I need some days to myself. Dedicated to my friends more than my money. Because, let's face it, I'm a pretty sucky friend right now. Sure, I'll listen to you when you approach me personally (or even through texting/online/phone call), but I hate it when my friends actually have to do that to get me to talk. You know? It feels like I'm not putting much effort into anyone anymore. And friends used to be my life; what drove me, what kept me going, and what satisfied me. Not to say they were my gods, because they didn't have that role at all. But I felt like God wanted me to be a figure in their lives, and I've been doing a pretty sucky job at that lately. All because I'm selfish and want a nice car worth $4,000.

I do hope to continue this tomorrow (or another topic), but it's late and I must go to sleep now. =)

Jibber Drink, Jabber Write

I can't believe how fast this month is going. It's not fair, really. I never have time to post anymore! Not that there's really anything to post about in the first place. But still, I do like to "Jibber Jabber." Whatever the heck that means. If it doesn't mean "ramble," then forget I ever said anything about Jibber Jabbering. =)

In less than 5 days, I get the biggest check I've ever received. That's right; almost $500. But don't tell anyone. It's rude to talk about income. =)

I just looked over to my right to find a bottle of Pepsi. It really helps me realize just how wasteful I am. Because that bottle isn't really rare. And all my bottles of soda never get finished.

Then again, I am a very wasteful person. I'm small, so I don't eat or drink what I'm given. I usually take most of it, but almost never the whole. The bottle of Pepsi is a bad example, though. I hardly drank any of it! ((I got it yesterday))

Wish I had time to write... =(